A Tall Man in a Low Land by Harry Pearson
This is a book review with a difference.
This week’s unique selling point is that I read A Tall Man in a Low Land about three months ago, lent it to somebody, and can’t remember an awful lot about it, apart from that I was impressed.
It’s about a man (Harry Pearson) and his wife and child, who take an extended holiday in Belgium. They stay in various towns, and visit various others, and eat very well.
Pearson writes with affection for Belgium. There may or may not have been some family connection. He writes poignantly about the road to Flanders being historically one way for a lot of Brits. Belgium is not somewhere that you necessarily return from.
In the muddle of my memory, he didn’t like Charleroi. He said it’s not the kind of place you’d like to be after dark. He liked Liège. Brussels gets only a fleeting mention, and he suggests that the Walloons bring their dogs, under cover of darkness, to shit all over the capital before the sun comes up.
He leaves his baby daughter in the care of a museum curator, who then disappears with the baby, but has only gone into the garden. He recounts an anecdote told to him about the difference between the Dutch and the Flemish. (It involved Holland having only one type of cheese, that has made it famous all over the world, and Flanders having hundreds of cheeses and remaining obscure.)
There are cycling stories. In fact, I think the book may be the product of more than one trip to Belgium. If I had it in front of me I’d check.
Comparisons with Bill Bryson are inevitable, and Pearson holds his own. A very good book that I can remember more than one thing about.
Birthday wishful thinking
Tomorrow is my birthday. I’ll be twenty-nine years old. Mrs K has intimated at the *mother* of all presents, but that won’t be here until Christmas, all things being well.
But I can’t wait that long to be showered with gifts. Here’s what I want:
- Netherland by Joseph O’Neill
- The Origin of Consciousness in the Breakdown of the Bicameral Mind by Julian Jaynes
- How NOT to Write a Novel by Howard Mittelmark and Sandra Newman
- How to Sell by Clancy Martin and
- The Junior Officers’ Reading Club by Patrick Hennessey
I’d also like the motivation necessary to get off my fat arse and:
- Get to the gym
- Write a novel that begins with the line “At the end of his garden, in a shed no bigger than his daughter’s new car, Charles Lamb Goodley reflected on his first experience of auto-asphyxiation, which on assessment had been rather underwhelming, and left him with a welt on his neck that reminded him of Australia.”
- Develop innate musical ability
- ->insert middle-class arriviste cliché here<-
Can you help?
That’s not a Dali!
Dali’s gone to the dogs. Proof that it’s not just the Maltese media who can’t always match photos with articles. This gem from today’s Times:
The article says “Ecumenical Council by Salvador Dali, is inspected by Tim McKew, right, at an exhibition of the Spanish artist …”
Monster jellyfish could visit Malta
A slow news day in Malta leads to the revelation that monster jellyfish could visit Malta …
… but probably won’t.
Bollywood welcomed to Malta
A Bollywood director has set up in Malta, as was widely reported in the Maltese press …
… he was accompanied by various members of his cast, who received a slightly different greeting:
Malta in the Eurovision Song Contest: the story so far, with video
Malta loves the Eurovision, and the Eurovision loves Malta.
Now in one handy, all-in-one-place for your listening pleasure, all the entries since the beginning of time (well, 1971). Accompanying each entry, more geopolitical information than you can shake a stick at.
Edu-tainment at its very best. No doubt.
If you don’t have the energy or inclination to listen to all of them, my recommendations are 2002 for the visuals, and 2004 for an unparalleled audio experience.
1971. Joe Grech sings “Marija L-Maltija”
In the year that capital punishment for murder was abolished, and the UK gave up their military bases on the Island, Joe Grech, a sort of short Dean Martin-alike, broke the Malta/Eurovision hymen with this beautiful, soulful rendition of “Marija the Maltese Girl”. Extra points to Twanny Chircop for the fantastic name.
Joe came in at a dismal 18th place out of 18 with 52 points.
Essential Trivia: Joe Grech is a common Maltese name, but not as common as Joe Borg, one of whom is currently European commissioner for fish, whilst another is a building inspector in Australia. Borg is the most common surname in Malta, with at least 3.3% of the population bearing the totemic “Borg” on their birth certificates. It’s pronounced “Borj”.
1972. Helen and Joseph sing “L-Imhabba”
A year before Malta legalises homosexuality, Helen Micallef and Joseph Cutajar sing a gay song about “love”.
Last again, with 48 points.
Essential trivia: 1972 was the year that the Black September terrorist organisation attacked and killed the Israeli Olympic team in Munich. 3 decades later, Steven Spielberg used Malta as a stand-in for key filming locations, including Cyprus, Athens, Tel Aviv and Rome, for his film of the events, “Munich”.
1975. Renato sings “Singing This Song”
The Maltese Eurovision committee took three years off to form a republic and regroup following two last-place finishers. They scoured the island high and low for an entry of higher calibre, and found it in Renato Micallef.
Renato, the second Micallef to enter the Eurovision contest, took the brave decision to sing in English for the first time, believing it to be sure vote-winner.
The voters thought so too, but not enough to get him beyond 12th out of 19. The Maltese hurried home in shame, not to resurface again at a Eurovision Song Contest for 16 long years.
Essential Trivia: In 1975, the population of Malta was a little over 300 000 people. In the ensuing 16 years, it rose by 20%. It seems that without the yearly excitement of the Eurovision, the Maltese had more time to make babies.
1991. Georgina and Paul Giordimaina sing “Could It Be”
After a long break, Malta is finally allowed to reenter the competition following the withdrawal of the Netherlands, who dropped out for a national holiday to honour the dead.
Probably a much better way to spend a Saturday night.
Paul gets respect for best use of a moustache.
Success! Malta’s best result so far, placing 6th out of 22 entries.
Essential Trivia: Georgina and Paul Giordimaina are the only couple to have opted for simultaneous varying nomenclatures at the Eurovision: Georgina dropping her surname and Paul opting to keep his appended to his first name. Of all the other Maltese Eurovision entrants, 33% chose to operate on a first-name only basis (including Morena, a stage name), 61% went with first-name and surname, whilst only one entrant, 99’s “Times Three”, went with a group name.
1992. Mary Spiteri sings “Little Child”
The first of two Spiteris to enter the competition, Mary “the Diva” Spiteri, looking not a little like a Mediterranean Edith Piaf, sings Little Child and finds her place in Eurovision history.
And the crowd loved it, placing her 3rd, behind Ireland and the UK; the three English-language songs finishing on the podium.
Essential Trivia: Mary Spiteri shares a birthday with Glenn Tipton, the guitarist from British rock legends Judas Priest. Although it’s not known if the two have ever met, Judas Priest was cited as a prime musical influence for Danish heavy-metal band called … Maltese Falcon.
1993. William Mangion sings “This Time”
Local councils are re-established in Malta, providing the population with a much-appreciated extra level of bureaucracy, and no discernible improvement in the condition of the nation’s roads. William Mangion hits back with a defiant entry, “This Time”. And a mullet.
William placed eighth out of 25, finding it tough to improve on the previous year’s spectacular result.
Essential Trivia: “This Time” has been used by at least 27 other artists as song or album titles. This Timers include Waylon Jennings, Mel C, Dwight Yoakum, The Verve, Suede, Dina Caroll, Janet Jackson and INXS. William Mangion, it is to be noted, never claimed to have invented the phrase. The song was also translated into Maltese with the title “Issa”, which means “now”.
1994. Chris and Moira sing “More than Love”
While Yasser Arafat stands up to accept the Nobel Peace Prize, star-crossed lovers Chris Scicluna and Moira Stafrace do their bit for world harmony with their ballad, “More Than Love”. It was their second time on stage, having lurked in the background the year before in support of William Mangion.
The results bore them out, finishing in the top 20% with a position of 5th out of 25.
Essential Trivia: Chris now has shorter hair, and Moira’s is often blonde. On a hair-related theme, Chris’s brother runs a barbershop on the island, and Chris occasionally helps him out. In fact, my second greatest claim to fame is that Chris from Chris and Moira once cut my hair. My greatest claim to fame is that my dad was once in a band with Pete Waterman called “The Pilgrims”. They were, my dad says, “pretty crap.”
1995. Mike Spiteri sings “Keep Me In Mind”
It’s a big year for music in Malta, with Black Sabbath performing in the unholy district of Gzira, and Roger Taylor from Queen doing a gig at the Mediterranean Conference Center. Mike Spiteri, thought to be the inspiration for Eastenders’ Mitchell brothers, keeps the pace up with a soulful rendition of “Keep Me In Mind”.
He finished a respectable 10th of 23. Norway came first.
Essential Trivia: The Maltese census of 1995 counted 977 males to every 1000 females. In 2007, there were reportedly 2078 more females than males on the island. The Maltese male population are “not too bothered” by this gender imbalance.
1996. Miriam Christine sings “In a Woman’s Heart”
The elfin Miriam Christine in her baby pink miniskirt and matching Benetton waistcoat set the trend for a generation of Maltese hipsters in 1996 with her performance of “In a Woman’s Heart”. The words were written by Alfred Sant, understood by your correspondent to be a different Alfred Sant to the famous Rhodes Scholar and former Prime Minister of Malta.
Her suggestive girating didn’t win her a place in the top five, but she finished a respectable 10th in a field of 23.
Essential Trivia: The day before the 1996 Eurovision contest, Sri Lanka beat Australia in the Cricket World Cup in a shock defeat. Australia has a large Maltese population, with in excess of 150 000 individuals claiming Maltese ancestry. Of those, close to 45 000 were born in Malta. This means that Maltese is the 14th most common self-reported ancestry in Australia, after Australian, English, Irish, Italian, German, Chinese, Scottish, Greek, Dutch, Lebanese, Indian, Vietnamese and Polish.
1997. Debbie Scerri sings “Let Me Fly”
The year is 1997 and Debbie Scerri is given day-release from being a “popular Maltese singer” and is allowed to get dressed up like a hippy chanteuse.
She came 9th, which wasn’t bad.
Essential Trivia: “Let Me Fly” may be a reference to Malta’s International Airport, which only became fully operational as a commercial transit hub five years previously. In prior incarnations, the site, at Luqa, was the base for the British Royal Air Force. Many British servicemen spent a good deal of time in the former colony, and continue to return to the island for its tourism. And sunshine. And beer. In fact, Bugibba, in the north of Malta, is not too dissimilar to Blackpool on a sunny day.
1998. Chiara sings “The One That I Love”
Chiara Siracusa makes her first appearance of three (so far) on the Eurovision scene, ready to prove to the crowds gathered at the NEC Arena in Birmingham that Maltese girls still had the charms so fondly remembered by many a geriatric ex-squaddy.
Phenomenal result! Equal to Mary Spiteri’s third place.
Essential Trivia: Malta, as well as being a very small country in the Mediterranean, is also a very popular soft drink in the Caribbean. It’s brewed much like beer, but without the alcohol. In Malta, there are about two breweries that make beer. And bloody good beer it is too.
1999. Times Three sing “Believe ‘n Peace”
Times Three were Philippa Farrugia Randon, Diane Stafrace and Francesca Tabone. Chris and Moira, of Chris and Moira fame, were the composers of the song “Believe ‘n Peace”, thought to be short for “Believe in Peace”, although the abbreviated ‘n may also be short for “and”.
Final place: 15th from 23 entrants.
Essential Trivia: The Maltese have good reason to long for peace. During the course of the Second World War, Malta, at the time still a British colony, was subjected to an extensive bombing campaign due to its closeness to Axis shipping lanes. More bombs fell on Malta than on Coventry and London combined. The bravery shown by the Maltese residents led to the British awarding the entire nation the George Cross. Scant consolation, I’d say.
2000. Claudette Pace sings “Desire”
Claudette Pace, a black lady trapped in a Maltese body, gives a soulful performance of “Desire” in the millennial edition of the contest. Special mention for best use of wrist movements.
She finished a respectable top tier, with 8th place from 24 entries.
Essential Trivia: This song was adopted as the UK’s Gay Pride Anthem the following year. The international lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender community have adopted a rainbow striped flag as representative of their cause. This flag is not to be confused with “Peace Flag”, most commonly seen with the Italian word for peace emblazoned across it. That word is “Pace”, as in “Claudette Pace”.
2001. Fabrizio Faniello sings “Another Summer Night”
Fabrizio Faniello makes adolescent girls the world over swoon with his boy-band good looks and uncharacteristically Maltese blond hair.
A respectable showing, finishing 9th out of 23.
Essential Trivia: Fabrizio employed the use of Spanish guitar to create atmosphere. Anecdotal evidence suggests that an *awful* lot of people think that Spanish is the first language of Malta, and confuse it geographically with Gibraltar. Where Spanish isn’t the main spoken language, either. In fact, Malta has its own language, descended from Arabic with a good chunk of the Romance thrown in.
2002. Ira Losco sings “7th Wonder”
One of Malta’s finest looking ladies took to the stage in 2002. Ira Losco, who’s since gone on to much greater things, brought Europe to a halt with her easy-on-the-eye and pleasing-to-the-ear rendition of “7th Wonder”.
Best ranking ever! A well-earned second place. It’s understood that the Maltese Ministry of Finance were watching this result with particular interest, as they had no idea where they would find the money to host the competition had Ira won.
Essential Trivia: Both the singer and the writer of the song are now columnists for the Times of Malta. Gerard James Borg, who penned the lyrics for this and a tonne of other successful entries, occasionally takes pretty girls out to lunch and writes about it. He quizzes them with hard-hitting questions like “What surname would you choose if you had to renounce to yours?” (sic) and “Would you rather milk a cow, or be called a cow?”.
Ira writes about subjects that matter to her, like this gem:
I dislike getting up to use the toilet mid way through dinner at many a restaurant, because I know I’m going to be faced by a lifted toilet seat displaying drops of urine and pubic hair. So I think “hmmm either a woman fond of the 70s OR a giant gorilla OR a male specimen who has not yet grasped the concept of PUTTING THE TOILET SEAT DOWN was here! How the hell does pubic hair fall off anyway? Do they stand there plucking it out??
2003. Lynn sings “To Dream Again”
Lynn Chircop had a tough act to follow, and tried her best in 2003. Malta had more European voting going on that year, with a national referendum coming out marginally in favour of joining the European Union. History was being written …
… but not by Lynn, who came in a dismal 25th out of 26.
Essential Trivia: The 2003 ESC was held in Latvia. Latvia doesn’t have a permanent embassy in Malta, only a consulate. The embassy in Rome caters to Latvian-Maltese relations. The USA and China have an embassy, India has a High Commission, like Austalia and the UK. Libya, Spain and Tunisia all have embassies, as do Russia, France, Austria, Belgium, Egypt, Germany, Netherlands, Portugal and a few others. Malta has staffed diplomatic missions in 25 states.
2004. Julie and Ludwig sing “On Again … Off Again”
Exactly two weeks after becoming a member of the EU, Malta sends it most exciting duo ever, envigorated by a new political horizon. Julie Zahra and Ludwig Galea put on the most exciting display of Eurovision spirit ever witnessed.
This was marred only slightly by Ludwig’s dance, reminiscent of a victim of a distended colon.
How this only finished 12th out of 24 I have no idea. We was robbed! I’ve yet to hear a better Eurovision entry, ever.
Essential Trivia: Turkey hosted the 2004 festival. Turkey is the 105th most densely populated nation state on the planet. Malta, in contrast, has a population only less dense than Monaco, Singapore, Gibraltar and the Vatican City (which doesn’t really count). It’s no exaggeration to say that there are few spots in Malta where you can stand and see little evidence of people. Enough to give anybody a distended colon. Ludwig’s Wikipedia entry says that he’s currently pursuing other opportunities, such as the X Factor. God help him.
2005. Chiara sings “Angel”
Chiara’s big guns are brought out again in 2005 with “Angel”, a heart-rending ballad designed to get the teary-eyed mums and daughters behind her.
Malta’s best score in Eurovision history, finishing 2nd out of 24 with the largest voting margin ever.
Essential Trivia: “Angel” in Maltese is “anġlu“. Malta is a deeply religious country, with almost enough churches on the small territory to visit a different one on each day of the calendar year. The population is overwhelmingly Roman Catholic, and church attendance remains high. Despite their Catholicism, the Maltese are the only Roman Catholic country to invoke the name of “Allah” for their deity. Maltese as a language is largely Arabic, and has the peculiar distinction of being the only Semitic language written in the Latin alphabet.
2006. Fabrizio Faniello sings “I Do”
2006 and Fabrizio is back, offering his wares as marriage material.
1 point. Last place. Shambles.
Essential Trivia: This performance caused mutterings at home and abroad. Some attacked his singing, and some said there were problems within the production team. There were even reports of a squabble on the return plane journey. In another plane-related, Malta-related incident a few months later, Paul Gascoigne, former England football star, was barred from boarding an Air Malta flight as he was deemed too drunk to travel. Gascoigne had been on the island to play in a veterans football match.
2007. Olivia sings “Vertigo”
Olivia Lewis tried eleven times in a row to qualify as Malta’s entry for the Eurovision, and on her eleventh go she got in.
But she did not qualify for the final. It’s not known whether she’ll try again.
Essential Trivia: U2 also recorded a song called Vertigo on their 2004 album, How to Dismantle an Atom Bomb. The 2007 Eurovision Song Contest was held in Helsinki, where 1975 Helsinki Accords were signed, which aimed to diffuse Cold War tensions and reduce the risk of an atomic conflict between the Communist bloc and its western counterparts. It is not known whether this was taken into consideration when the song was penned.
2008. Morena sings “Vodka”
Apparently an attempt to curry favour with the voters in the Eastern bloc, Morena (actually Margerita Camilleri Fenech), is rolled out with this catchy number.
But nobody was convinced, and she didn’t qualify either. Two years in a row of disappointment.
Essential Trivia: I was always under the wrong impression that “dosvedanya” was Russian for “hello”. In fact, it’s Russian for “goodbye”. I discovered this in Malta, in a euphemism of a gentleman’s club in Paceville, when I inadvertently invited a young Russian speaker with legs up to her breasts to leave my table, when in fact, I meant the opposite.
2009. Chiara sings “What If We”
So after two non-qualifications, it’s time to bring out the big guns. Chiara was successful twice before, she’ll be successful again, no? But there were naysayers fearful of her success. What if she won? Where would it be hosted? Who would present it? How much would it cost? There were desperate newspaper articles written about it.
No need to worry. Nobody liked it very much and she finished 22nd out of 25.
***
Malta is an island mad for Eurovision. The future, however, is uncertain. Can Chiara rebound from this hideous snub? Will they see sense and bring back Ira? Should Fabrizio be allowed to perform again, anywhere? Watch this space for exciting future developments.
In the meantime, what are your thoughts? Who have been your favourites? Has there been a better Maltese entry than On Again … Off Again? Can Malta ever take the title?
Answers in the comments, and until next year …
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Recent Comments
- N: Start learning Dutch
? - sue: What talent is Ludwig (2004) intending to display on the X-Factor? Will he sing or will he scratch his testicles...
- N: Maybe the fact that the store above Anya is a sextoy shop, has something to do with this “stunt”
- N: Hahaha
. I’ve seen this one as well – so typically Brussels! - Gil: You forgot to mention the vegetarian chicken. I’m appalled Sir and feel I can no longer trust this...
- N: Start learning Dutch
