Archives for September, 2005

When in Thailand

Have reached Chumphon after 12 hours on a train. Killing six hours before a midnight ferry to Koh Tao.

When in Thailand, never refer to anybody as “madam”. It means “black dog”.

When in Thailand, if considering purchase of prickly heat powder, avoid. Its active components are ground glass, extra strong mints and diesel. Particularly do not apply to scrotum or armpits immediately before dinner. When at dinner, do not refer to waitress as “madam’ – see above.

When in Thailand, climb a mountain and swim in a lake under a waterfall.

NB – the Jeath War Museum at Kanchanaburi is run by monks and is a poignant reminder of the atrocities of the Second World War. Less well known is the fact that is houses a “Miss Thailand Directory” in the same building.

*****

I was fearless! 


09/30/2005 | Asia 2005 | 1 Comment

Hellfire!

Dear Mother,

Thanks so much for your concerned telephone call, it’s encouraging to know that you are thinking of me. Please don’t worry that I am drinking too much – the beers here are very small and I’m sure you wouldn’t begrudge your eldest son a couple of pints a day at the beginning of his holiday? Please rest assured that after the excesses of the last few days, I am now relaxing by the River Kwai, visiting tiger sanctuaries and the like and sipping nothing stronger than pineapple juice.

You will be pleased to hear that I am so serious about my new, healthier lifestyle, that I have tattooed “Sober and Vigilant” in Gothic script across my forehead, with an Oriental dragon breathing fire down my nose.

I remain,

Your loving son.

09/27/2005 | Asia 2005 | No Comments

Statistics

Just about to leave Bangkok for Kanchanaburi. Supposed to go today but opted for lie-in instead. Last time I was here that happened 21 days in a row. Resolved no repetitions this time. Last time I was here I urinated nocturnally all over my hotel room. Ditto.

In ten days I’ve read six books, drunk 47 beers and 26 litres of water, gawped at 18 simultaneously bare breasts and a very long length of ribbon, spent 360 euros, slept like a baby every night and said “no thank you” 12000 times.


09/25/2005 | Asia 2005 | No Comments

Grasshopers

1. Grasshoppers taste like fleshy Twiglets.

2. “Security reason for you:
When you’re going out, please do not leave the key in the pad here. The electricity will be too hot. It will break down and make a fire. The management will not be responsible for the damage.”

3. Proud to have first bout of the shits. May or may not be grasshopper-related.

09/20/2005 | Asia 2005 | No Comments

Hotel Woraburi, Bangkok

Flight from Paris to Bahrein, three suspicious characters going to and from the toilets. One would go in, one or both of the others would hang around outside, the door open. Then they’d all walk back together, one of the lurkers returning immediately afterwards and locking himself in. The third time it happened I was in full kung-fu anti-hijack mode. I got up, invited one of the lurkers to use the empty cubicle next to him. He said no. I said why not. He told me he was waiting for his prisoner. Poor sod was being deported.

Nobody was waiting for me at the airport, despite the pick-up I’d booked. The hotel told me it was much cheaper to get my own taxi. Very thoughtful, I thought.

After sleeping all day had a drink in hotel bar. Took roughly 30 seconds to get pitched by a hooker, whose parents were both dead and sister widowed and no money. I moved to another table, ordered some food, when she came over again. I decided I’d be gay to save embarrassment. Before I could speak she said “If you no like ladies, perhaps you like boys? My friend the barman thinks you’re very cute.” The barman, however, wasn’t very cute, so last night I wasn’t gay.

I was, however, very much engaged to be married and my girlfriend will be joining me next week and I was sorry but no way was I interested. “Oh you such a nice guy, where are all the nice guys like you, you really good man … so … wanna fuck?”

I ran, but not before she wrote her room number on a beermat.

To be honest, I was a little scared.


09/17/2005 | Asia 2005 | No Comments

The luggage, part 2.

Too many wires …


09/14/2005 | Asia 2005 | No Comments