Hellfire!

Dear Mother,

Thanks so much for your concerned telephone call, it’s encouraging to know that you are thinking of me. Please don’t worry that I am drinking too much - the beers here are very small and I’m sure you wouldn’t begrudge your eldest son a couple of pints a day at the beginning of his holiday? Please rest assured that after the excesses of the last few days, I am now relaxing by the River Kwai, visiting tiger sanctuaries and the like and sipping nothing stronger than pineapple juice.

You will be pleased to hear that I am so serious about my new, healthier lifestyle, that I have tattooed “Sober and Vigilant” in Gothic script across my forehead, with an Oriental dragon breathing fire down my nose.

I remain,

Your loving son.