Sick, seasick and homesick

I’m now an advanced open water diver. And I am very proud. But it was a struggle. Arrived in Phi Phi on a boat in a monsoon and caught up with Andy and Juliet from Leisure Divers (plug). Have been camping on their classroom floor on an idyllic beach in the middle of nowhere.

Day one out on the boat and within ten minutes I had my head over the side, feeding the fish. Whilst the others dived and saw leopard sharks, turtles, morays et al, I intermittently trod water and vomited. For eight hours.

Fast forward two days, feeling healthy enough to have done one dive the previous day. It is three o’clock in the morning. I have gone to bed early after enjoying a Penang curry from Jasmin restaurant and its charming owner, Grasshopper. Aforementioned curry is now halfway up my gullet, all over the bathroom and me, and the chillies seem to have become lodged in my nasal cavities and sinuses. Repeat for 12 hours until both stomach and bowel are grape-sized and empty.

At this stage there is nothing I would not have sold to be at home, sat up in my own bed with clean cotton sheets and a bottle of Sprite. Mrs K would be rubbing my feverish back with a damp towel, stroking my forehead and soothing me to fitful rest. Tomorrow we could wake up, have breakfast together and read the papers, watch Eastenders and while away a lazy Sunday evening in a favourite restaurant. Instead I am struggling to sit upright on an island with no telephone reception or working computers, crying with pain and self-pity and wishing the dive-centre customers to go home so I can lie on a straw mattress and be eaten by mosquitoes.

I’ve been away for a little over 40 days now. This was never meant as a spiritual journey, more an opportunity to get drunk and meet new people in hot places (sorry Mum!) But I’ve learnt a lot about myself. I’ve learnt that I am happiest in a country where sewage is whisked away from you before you can smell it. I’ve learnt that sunsets are often better on the TV, depending on the amount of insect life. I’ve learnt that I would like a reasonable-sized house, with a garden, a dog and a couple of kids kicking around. This house will have central heating and hot water, be warm in winter and cool in summer. Abroad is for holidays. Holidays tend to last no longer than a month. I want to be near my family.

Tomorrow I will go to Phuket, check into a hotel with air-conditioning, cable TV and a bath, and eat burgers and chips until sated. Then I might drink a beer on my own and drift off to sleep with the temperature set as cold as possible and the blankets pulled right up to my ears.