Down in the mouth

I’m aware that this won’t be very exciting for anybody but me (and possibly my Mum, who will work herself into a frenzy about 3rd World medical facilities) but I’ve just been to the dentist and it was WONDERFUL!

There’s something quite unnerving about letting strangers stick sharp things into your mouth and scrape around, but this time I’m glad I did. I’d been bothered for a couple of days with red gums and was becoming increasingly manic about the implications of them. As I get older I become more anxious, more of a hypochondriac. Any headache has me reaching for the guidebook’s health section to read that I have either the first signs of typhus, typhoid, Hep A, B or C, malaria, dengue, tetanus, diptheria, bilharzia, arachnophobia, yellow fever, polio or Crohn’s disease. Normally it’s nothing worse than a hangover, but it doesn’t stop me worrying.

So off I popped. Down the road from my hotel is a boutique dentist’s surgery with a very attractive receptionist. So I popped in for a check-up and came out one and a half hours later with six new fillings and a numb face.

I had always prided myself on the state of my teeth. Previous trips to the dentist over the past few years have never lasted longer than 15 minutes. I’d get a little badge that says “I was brave” and compliments on a perfect set of incisors. So perhaps I had been lulled into a false sense of security, even overconfidence, about my oral health.

It took three minutes and six sharp stabs to identify cavities I never knew I had. I suppose if you poked me in the eye with a sharp stick it would be sensitive as well, but there were definitely painful spots that contrasted with the non-painful spots either side of them.

It was unlike any dental appointment I’ve ever had (the last one was over two years ago) but I remember fillings being metallic, slimy tasting and liable to stick out like a nun at an orgy. These this time involved a little bit of paste and an ultra-violet gun. I got pricked twice by a syringe with a bent nib (a novelty in itself) and didn’t feel a thing.

To combat the red gums I had a “scaling and fluoride polishing - Full Mouth” and my molars are shining like cats’ eyes. You can’t even see the fillings. The price was the best thing - 4500 baht, 92 euros or 63 quid - and teeth 14, 15, 16, 24, 25 and 47 are good as new.

So don’t forget to floss, children, and for dental work of any gravity, head off to the airport …