Archives for July, 2006
Tourist’s holiday ruined by newspaper
A Somali holidaymaker is complaining of having his trip to Malta “ruined” after a photo of him relieving himself was published in a national newspaper.
Mohamed Abdi Ibraham arrived only yesterday on the island, courtesy of the Armed Forces of Malta, and already is receiving “funny looks” from the locals, he said this morning.
“It’s an invasion of my privacy. I had no idea that within minutes of arriving I would have my photo plastered on the front page of the Times,” he said. “Now I’m afraid to take my family outside.”
Mr. Ibrahim had originally intended to spend his summer vacation in Lampedusa, Italy, but after a suggestion from one of Brigadier Carmel Vassallo’s representatives, he changed his plans at the last minute.
“I wasn’t sure about coming to Malta in the first place,” Mr. Ibrahim, who is staying with 22 members of his family at the Hal-Far detention centre, said. “Now this has happened I probably won’t be coming back.”
The local backlash has been fierce. Many residents are “stunned” that Mr. Ibrahim chose to act in such a manner. “It’s a disgusting abuse of hospitality,” said one Birkirkara resident. A spokesman for the Malta Maritime Authority said that Mr. Ibrahim’s behaviour was “thoughtless”. “Normally, you would hang off the edge of the boat, submerge yourself to the waist and pee whilst pretending not to,” he explained.
Despite the shock of the unwanted attention, Mr. Ibrahim has no plans to return immediately to Somalia, saying it was “pretty shit over there.”
(With thanks to the Times of Malta)
Increase your knowledge …
… on what I’ve been up to in the last two days …
To complement my earlier discoveries post, and being unaware of an antonym for discovery, perhaps this post could be subtitled “Losses”, as I’ve spent the last two days looking for a plastic bag, not any old plastic bag, but a bag with stuff in it. Not very important stuff, mind, just stuff that’s annoying to lose. Having given up on ever finding it, and trying to concentrate on more important things, I’ll leave you with the following:
Other things I’ve been up to in the last 48 hours include:
- Booking a flight to New York for Mrs K’s birthday
- Realising that a fridge can be too cold, and that frozen lettuce is tough on the teeth
- Pondering the fact that this blog was a lot more interesting when I was in Asia, living experiences more interesting than waking up, going to work and sleeping early
- Signing up for a masters degree in international politics
- Wondering whether I have the time or energy to study for a masters in international politics
- Counting the calories on the label of every foodstuff in my kitchen. My plan is to start a highly profitable website called Kim Bah Lee’s Kalorie Kounter
- Realising that salt, pepper and water products generally don’t list their calorie content
- Wondering why that is – surely black pepper has some energetic value?
- Started a course in freelance writing at the London School of Journalism – snappy and highly professional review to follow.
- Finding out, quite happily, that both Lanzarote and Wired Temples have very kindly linked to me
- Bought two books by two generations of Theroux (and got stumped, as ever, by the plural of Theroux). The books are Blinding Light
by Theroux Senior and The Call of the Weird
- Started writing a list of 100 things to do before I’m thirty (three years and a bit more to go …)
Otherwise nothing funny, entertaining or distracting has happened, but I feel a lot better for having had the chance to share all this with you.
100 things to do before I die
Here follows a wish list of sorts … helping me do these things will make you a better person. Using your donations, I’ll partake, write about them, and add value to your day. To help make these things reality, click on the button below, or if you prefer not to, sit back and enjoy the schadenfreude that comes from seeing me miss out on all my dreams …
Before he’s thirty, Kim Bah Lee wants to …
- Drive the Mongol Rally – an 8000 mile dash across a quarter of the world’s surface in a shitty old car.
- Run the Rickshaw Run – organised by the same folk. Across India in a three-wheeler.
- The Marathon des Sables – a 151 mile run across the Sahara. Yeah, right.
- Paddle on the beach at the World Santa Claus Congress.
- And whilst on a Laplandish theme – a couple of nights in the Ice Hotel.
- Appear on the Oprah Winfrey show.
- Give up work, professionally.
And 93 more things to come …
Maltese Ninja
We recently went to a party. It was alright, my enjoyment heightened by the sight of two people across the street making love in a red Ford Fiesta. One of the guests had a baby with them. Mrs K said “isn’t he beautiful?”. I said, “Yes, dear.”
The next day she said “that ugly baby looked like an alien”.
In an effort to get buff for the beach, I decided that my beer and crisps diet should be supplemented by some vegetables and exercise. I suggested karate. Mrs K looked excited, struck a pose and said “Yeah! Then we can go and fight Chinese pirates!”
Discoveries!
Today keeps getting better and better. Not only am I imbued with the joy that goes with waking up late on a Friday morning – Belgian National Day, apparently – and the cup of tea made with two-month-old milk notwithstanding – things are looking UP!
Today I have discovered:
Any further discoveries will be catalogued. Happy Belgian National Day. Bonjour!
5000 page views!
And the prize for the slowest, least read and least-circulated blog goes to KIM BAH LEE! 5000 page views in just over a year. Kim Bah Lee is considering announcing his retirement in disgrace, stopping only to headbutt an Italian (probably the Italian who asked me on Saturday night if I was a “faggot”. I told him no, that I had a girlfriend. He said “basically the same thing, then.” I’m not sure if this was incredibly wry, or just plain idiotic.)
Anyway, to celebrate slow uptake, here is a poem I wrote just last night:
I made some dinner with runner beans.
I tried to eat them all,
But it turned out they were quicker than me,
So I didn’t eat any at all.
So, should any publishers out there be interested in the poetry of Kim Bah Lee, don’t be shy to get in touch …
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