Entries from July 2006 ↓

We recently went to a party. It was alright, my enjoyment heightened by the sight of two people across the street making love in a red Ford Fiesta. One of the guests had a baby with them. Mrs K said “isn’t he beautiful?”. I said, “Yes, dear.”

The next day she said “that ugly baby looked like an alien”.

In an effort to get buff for the beach, I decided that my beer and crisps diet should be supplemented by some vegetables and exercise. I suggested karate. Mrs K looked excited, struck a pose and said “Yeah! Then we can go and fight Chinese pirates!”

Today keeps getting better and better. Not only am I imbued with the joy that goes with waking up late on a Friday morning - Belgian National Day, apparently - and the cup of tea made with two-month-old milk notwithstanding - things are looking UP!

Today I have discovered:

• One euro and seventy five euro cents in a pocket in a pair of jeans that have been on the floordrobe for the past six weeks.
• The joys of Lily Allen. Who is, apparently, the daughter of Keith Allen of charming-Cockney-Britpop-(although not yet Eastenders) fame.
• The fluff that accumulates in a belly-button overnight isn’t always inedible.
• That if I take a “proper job” with the British civil service I will not only have to move to London, but also take a considerable pay-cut. Decision made.
• On the basis of this blog’s advertising earnings (which I’m not allowed to disclose) I’m now able to buy myself a pint.
• I own more books than I have time in a life to read.
• And also … an entire carton of cigarettes, hidden under the previously-referred-to-jeans.

Any further discoveries will be catalogued. Happy Belgian National Day. Bonjour!

And the prize for the slowest, least read and least-circulated blog goes to KIM BAH LEE! 5000 page views in just over a year. Kim Bah Lee is considering announcing his retirement in disgrace, stopping only to headbutt an Italian (probably the Italian who asked me on Saturday night if I was a “faggot”. I told him no, that I had a girlfriend. He said “basically the same thing, then.” I’m not sure if this was incredibly wry, or just plain idiotic.)

Anyway, to celebrate slow uptake, here is a poem I wrote just last night:

I made some dinner with runner beans.
I tried to eat them all,
But it turned out they were quicker than me,
So I didn’t eat any at all.

So, should any publishers out there be interested in the poetry of Kim Bah Lee, don’t be shy to get in touch …