Archives for August, 2006

Free book!

The Friday Project publishes books. Good books. They’ve included biographies of Timothy Leary, the picture book series “A boy/girl called …” and “Beer in the Evening – the ultimate guide to London pubs.”

They also produce a weekly newsletter, The Friday Thing which gives me all my opinions for the coming seven days. One day they will publish Kim Bah Lee – A Novel.

Now, for possibly the first time ever, they’re releasing a downloadable full-text version of a new book at the same time it’s available at Amazon. It’s by Tom Reynolds, the ambulance-driving author of the excellent blog Random Acts of Reality. And it’s totally free. This is what the internet was made for.

Read it now – Blood, Sweat and Tea by Tom Reynolds

08/25/2006 | Omphaloskepsis | 1 Comment

Teaching the natives good manners.

Mary Fisher in a barely comprehensible letter to the Times:

“Each Maltese person is responsible to do their bit (sic), something which I am afraid they are not doing in spite of the elementary way they are being treated by asking them to be the brand of Malta (sic).

“The Maltese people have always come up trumps in being singled out as an asset (sic). They are friendly, accommodating, hospitable and very kind and they are the epitome of Britishness.”

It’s good to see that the paper’s correspondents are only slightly less literate than they are delusional. Still, while the UK is being overrun by chavs, hoodies and ASBOs, the Maltese are maintaining the highest standards of “British” efficiency and hospitality, doubtless left over from the years of occupation.

Thorny disagrees:

“I certainly do not want to be associated with Brand Malta under this administration. I am not shabby, dirty, unkempt, mismanaged and in debt …. Brand Malta?! More like Brand ineffeciency and deficiencies.”

08/20/2006 | Malta | No Comments

Malta is still here. So am I.

Brief update on Brand Malta®:

Things generally still looking good. An attempted carjacking on Mrs K in Paceville unsettled us slightly, but turned out to be nothing more than a handful of overexcited Mediterranean men attempting to harass and intimidate a young lady on her own at three o’clock in the morning. Thank God for that.
Tourists: wary.

The Casino di Venezia in Vittoriosa has been reopened with a new manager. It was closed down following the World Cup finals, during which the staff got a little overexcited, smashed more than 350 glasses, and indulged in behaviour described in detail by the Times as “too shameful, disgusting and unacceptable to talk about.” Fourteen members of staff were fired. Now it’s open again tourists are flocking in droves, hoping for a repeat performance.
Tourists: hopeful.

Some dance school performed a dire, end-of-term performance of grimacing and wobbling to the pre-recorded sounds of Bizet’s Carmen. It was packaged as part of the Malta Arts Festival and tickets sold at 20 euros a pop. The parents of the shuffling under-twelves that took part beamed and applauded their offspring, who beamed and waved back. Duped visitors sobbed quietly.
Tourists: disgruntled.

The ever-precise Times tells us that “A good number of people had their sleep cut short early yesterday morning when a mild earthquake shook them awake”. Turns out that the earthquake was nothing more than a murmur. With the exception of “a good number of people”, most visitors remained undisturbed. The Ministry for Urban Development and Roads are thrilled to have another excuse for their sorry work for the next couple of years.
Tourists: asleep, with back-ache.

Gatwick Lost-Luggage was allegedly dealing with in excess of 3000 suitcases, following the alleged hijacking attempt of last alleged week. Joe’s Garage, who has the delivery contract with Malta Airport for returning lost items to tourists, was thrilled. I would like to take this opportunity to personally thank Joe, or Frank, or Charlie, for reacting quickly and efficiently when dealing with our request for preferential treatment when one of our bags got lost. Please forgive us the little white lie about life-saving medicines in the suitcase.
These tourists: very happy.

General outlook therefore: positive. The timeshare touts are steering clear of our mansion on the hill. Our guests are largely happy and causing minimal offence to the locals. Ian McEwan’s Saturday and Graham Greene’s Travels with my Aunt have been my most constant companions. The construction work seems to have stopped for the summer, leaving half-built shells of grubby apartments dotted all over the island, filling various vehicles with dust (sic). The Gozitan Fire-Brigade is a sight to behold and the pea-cakes continue to be filled with peas and priced at roughly 7-10 cents.

Before leaving, I’d like to encourage you to catch up with one of Malta’s most-loved exports, who’s off on a world-trip with no time limit. Jazz Travels‘ writing is still in its infancy, but like my spermatozoa, promises great things …

08/19/2006 | Malta | No Comments

Monkey Gland Sauce and Fat Kids

Brief update on the state of Malta’s tourism industry:

  • Number of receptionists in flip-flops: 0
  • Number of flip-flops: many. Flip-flops also known as thongs in some parts of the world.
  • Number of thongs (in strictly British, bottom-half of the bikini sense): a glorious plenty.
  • Cars full of dust: 0
  • Tourists overcharged: 0
  • Tourists successfully fighting back against potential overcharging: 1
  • Rude bus drivers: 0
  • Level of construction work: not beyond first floor, many instances.
  • Timeshare touts, rowdy students and saw-dust-filled pea-cakes: all zero.

The state of Malta’s tourism industry is, therefore, healthy. Unlike its children, who rank third in the world for levels of child obesity, behind Scotland and the US. To counter this, I recommend that all pea-cakes be filled with sawdust.

In addition, Monkey Gland Sauce, Club Rump and Burger Pies should be taken off menus all over Malta with immediate effect.

08/15/2006 | Malta | No Comments

Tourism’s decline in Malta

David put me onto a barrage of letters to the Times of Malta, all discussing the downturn in tourism. A summary:

  • A hotel receptionist wore flip-flops
  • Roads are dusty and “all the cars you see are just full of dust” (sic)
  • Tourists are overcharged
  • Bus drivers are rude
  • Students shout and scream
  • Too much construction work
  • Too many timeshare touts
  • “The country is dirty and shabby” or “the place is in total shambles and one big eyesore” or just plain “general squalor”
  • and my favourite: “being asked to pay Lm1.25 for a pea cake filled with sawdust”, which is not, apparently, a contravention of any trade-descriptions legislation.

So being just twenty-four hours away from a return to the mother-in-law-land, I propose a full investigation on all the following points. I will report back regularly on the following:

  • Receptionists in flip-flops (1 point for each complete pair)
  • Cars “just full of dust” (1 point per car – 2 for a van or people-carrier, 3 for a bus. Slightly dusty or dust-specked vehicles will not be taken into consideration)
  • Rate of overcharging of tourists. (I won’t ask every tourist, just four, or perhaps five. 1 point for every percentage point overcharged during course of two-week stay.)
  • Level of rudeness of bus-drivers when confronted with heavily-perspiring, confused and slightly drunk Englishman who doesn’t know where he wants to get off. (1 point for general unhelpfulness, 2 points for swearing, 3 for blasphemy and 5 points for physical contact)
  • Level of construction work. (Measured in ladders per square meter, two points for ladder-to-land-mass-ratio of six or above)
  • Rowdiness of students. (1 point for each instance of nocturnal fornication, vomiting or public urinating.)
  • Timeshare touts (5 points for each winning scratchcard)
  • Number of LM1.25 pea-cakes filled with sawdust consumed. (1 point per dozen. Pea-cakes filled with peas don’t count)

Presuming they let us get on the flight tomorrow, first report should be with you by Monday.

Stay safe, visit Malta.

08/10/2006 | Malta | No Comments

Becoming a millionaire slowly

I’ve spent a few quid in my time on books on becoming a billionaire overnight. Mostly they’ve been a waste of money. But following a pint and some cunning deduction, I’ve worked out a way of becoming immediately richer in just five minutes …

According to my maths, I’ve just made a quarter of a million euros in a blink of an eye. It works like this:

  1. Give up smoking, save 4 euros a day = 1460 euros a year.
  2. Give up coffee at work, save 3.25 euros a day = 650 euros a year (based on 200 working days a year)
  3. Give up quaffing in pubs, save 50 euros a week = 2600 euros a year (don’t worry Mum, I’m a generous round-buyer …)

Total in a year = 4710 euros

Figure in a couple of extraneous expenses, including one or two meals out a year and cutting down on book-buying = 500 euros

So, hoping I live for another 50 years: (4710 + 500) x 50 = 260 500 euros

 … and all of this not taking inflation into account, I’d say that’s a tidy nest egg.

I will be starting work very soon as an independent financial advisor. Feel free to contact me for more lucid, professional advice …

08/07/2006 | Omphaloskepsis | No Comments