Everything filed under: 'Omphaloskepsis'

Birthday wishful thinking

Tomorrow is my birthday. I’ll be twenty-nine years old. Mrs K has intimated at the *mother* of all presents, but that won’t be here until Christmas, all things being well.

But I can’t wait that long to be showered with gifts. Here’s what I want:

  1. Netherland by Joseph O’Neill
  2. The Origin of Consciousness in the Breakdown of the Bicameral Mind by Julian Jaynes
  3. How NOT to Write a Novel by Howard Mittelmark and Sandra Newman
  4. How to Sell by Clancy Martin and
  5. The Junior Officers’ Reading Club by Patrick Hennessey

I’d also like the motivation necessary to get off my fat arse and:

  1. Get to the gym
  2. Write a novel that begins with the line “At the end of his garden, in a shed no bigger than his daughter’s new car, Charles Lamb Goodley reflected on his first experience of auto-asphyxiation, which on assessment had been rather underwhelming, and left him with a welt on his neck that reminded him of Australia.”
  3. Develop innate musical ability
  4. ->insert middle-class arriviste cliché here<-

Can you help?

06/22/2009 | Omphaloskepsis | 1 Comment

That’s not a Dali!

Dali’s gone to the dogs. Proof that it’s not just the Maltese media who can’t always match photos with articles. This gem from today’s Times:

Dali's gone to the dogs

The article says “Ecumenical Council by Salvador Dali, is inspected by Tim McKew, right, at an exhibition of the Spanish artist …”

06/12/2009 | Omphaloskepsis | No Comments

Pygmy Jerboa: appraisal in verse

O! Jerboa! small and peculiar!
Your feet like a bird;
Your jump like a flea;
Your tail like a rat.

O! Jerboa! living proof
(Should proof be needed)
That our creator is not impartial
to occasional bouts of silliness.

05/26/2009 | Omphaloskepsis | No Comments

A Gaijin’s Guide to Japan by Ben Stevens

A Gaijin's Guide to Japan A Gaijin’s Guide to Japan was sent to me by Scott Pack of the Friday Project, the publishing house whose praises I have sung in the past.

“Enjoy it”, he said.

And I did.

The book has been written by Ben Stevens, a long-time Japan resident, and it’s a perfect primer for the curious, the tourist, or the entrenched Japanophile.

It’s an A to Z of Japanese cultural tidbits, personalities, peculiarities, history and foibles. Each of the entries (from Abe, Sada to Zen) is short, digestable, and informative. I found it a joy to jump from cross-referenced entry to entry, learning more in a Sunday afternoon in the park than I had done in the past month. About anything.

It’s a beginner’s guide; the “gaijin” in the title refers to the Japanese word for outsider, or foreigner. Stevens’ matey, colloquial style informs without presuming that you come equipped with prior knowledge. If you’re looking for something meatier, your choice is almost unlimited, but you can begin here and stimulate your curiosity to make future reads more targeted.

Short, easy on the eye (some beautiful illustrations) and humorous. I can’t think of a better gift for your neanderthal brother-in-law when he finds out he’s off to Kyoto for a ten-day business trip.

go see –> A Gaijin’s Guide to Japan by Ben Stevens

05/25/2009 | Omphaloskepsis | 1 Comment

Michael Jackson is a bleedin’ chancer

Michael Jackson. What a bleedin’ chancer.

Announces a new tour. The “This Is It” (promise?) Tour. Ten dates in London – last ever gig in London. Grand, belated, farewell extravaganza.

Mmmm, those tickets will be worth a few bob, thinks me, and registers for a pre-sale secret code to get first access to the rarer-than-gold-dust bits of paper.

Four hours of internet queuing, work neglected, coffee drunk. Finally my turn.

Tickets for first ten gigs already sold out. Don’t worry! He’s added another five.

Finally get them. I feel like Charlie Bucket. I won’t make the gig, but I don’t mind. I’ll make a killing on the resale.

Viagogo have already got tickets going for 500 quid a pop. On Ebay tickets are selling at five times face value. My 360 pound investment will reap sweet returns, paying for me and Mrs K to go and eat swan by a beach this summer.

BUT.

I wake up this morning and he’s not doing ten gigs any more, not doing fifteen, or twenty, but FIFTY FUCKING concerts. Bleeding chancer. The classic bait and switch, with me the willing mark.

Resale value diluted to almost nothing.

So if anybody wants four tickets for Michael bloody Jackson, you can have them at cost price.

03/13/2009 | Omphaloskepsis | 1 Comment

Social Notworking: a Guardian Reader’s take

In the comments section of a Guardian piece on Twitter and its Twestival

Hey everyone, check out my own new social networking site www.wanker.com

It’s just a place where wankers can hang out and wank. You can send people wanks, or wank them off, then they can wank you off in return if they think you’re cool. It’s really chilled and hip and there’s loads of friendly, like-minded wankers, wanking each other off. You can tell all your wanker mates about your current wanking in real time, wherever you are. It’s hard to explain why it’s so addictive, but if you’re young, urban, sociable and a complete wanker, you’ll be hooked, I promise!

Join the fun!

02/13/2009 | Omphaloskepsis | No Comments