Lewis Crofts – unashamed plug

Lewis is a great friend of mine. For the past few years he’s been shying away from his responsibilities in the pub and writing a book. It must be good because somebody’s publishing it.

I read a very early draft version and it was a revelation (unblinkered and unbiaised product review). Any novel that has the word “syphilis” in the first sentence is alright by me.

It’s the embellished biography of dirty old painter Egon Schiele, protegé of Klimt and imprisoned for creating porn. It charts his father’s insanity, his suppressed lust for his sister and a fair bit of homo-erotic fumbling with famous characters from an age gone by.

The publication date isn’t until next year, but you can be guaranteed to get a pristine first edition, bound to be worth a fortune, by pre-ordering NOW your copy of The Pornographer of Vienna. Click away.

(He doesn’t know this yet, but he’ll be doing free beer and personalised book signings for anybody who shows up at his signing event in Brussels next spring.)

Once you’ve done that, swing on by and visit lewiscrofts.com

12/22/2006 | Belgium, Omphaloskepsis | No Comments

Maltese cuisine

“Cooking Maltese Cuisine” is for sale at Amazon.

Did you see that? £2001. That’s £25 per page. For a country that produces lard and pasta pie, that’s (or you’d have to be) pretty rich.

12/13/2006 | Malta | No Comments

Gentle art of salesmanship

I’m back selling stuff, actually trafficking in human beings, and it’s like a drug. I’m building my library of self-help books and this weekend found a fantastic second-hand copy of “The Gentle Art of Salesmanship” (selling for one pence on Amazon) that was written twenty years ago by a man called Harry Turner.

“A selling career … is good for your health, can make you rich, possiby famous, and offers unrivalled opportunities for world travel, good food, fine wine and sexual encounters undreamed of by quantity surveyors even in Slough.”

“If you are the unfortunate possessor of a strong Lancashire, Yorkshire, Birmingham or Liverpool accent, you should ony embark on a sales career if you remain in your own region among people who speak as hideously as you.”

They don’t make self-help books like that any more …

11/28/2006 | Omphaloskepsis | No Comments

Notes on the last few days

I have left my job due to a particularly nasty bout of papercutitis.

In preparation for a new life of cold-calling and sales-talk I woke early this morning and sat through Glengarry Glen Ross, Wall Street and Boiler Room. I’ve re-read my copy of “How to Win Friends and Influence People”.

I went out for a jar or three to celebrate last night and ran into what seemed to be a Brussels Bloggers Convention. Tippler, Zoe, Aunty Marianne and Daphne were all there. Somebody asked me “what do you do? Are you a blogger?” If you’d asked my grandfather that, he probably would have punched you.

I went to Planckendael Zoo. Although the bonobos and bongos were worth it, it put me off kids for a while.

I’ve asked Tom to redesign Kim Bah Lee (the website, not the person). As soon as it’s done, I’ll recommend him heartily.

I’ll already recommend a friend’s new business. Roland of White Riders has opened SkiidyGonzales. If any of you are near Geneva this winter, give him a call.

11/16/2006 | Belgium, Omphaloskepsis | No Comments

French letters and other dirty stories

I should have started writing anonymously. I could have written all sorts of naughty stuff. The kind of stuff that would get me demanified now. I met a lovely young mother the other day who does a wonderful job as a charity fundraiser. She also used to write pornographic letters for smutty magazines.

The Observer Woman magazine has a supplement today with write-ups of the following blogs, all but one of which have been made into books. They’re all worth a browse on a Friday afternoon. They’re all written by women. They all contain a healthy dose of smut and they’re all now phenomenally popular.

Greek Tragedy – New Yorker Stephanie Klein’s blog. Get’s in excess of 200,000 visits a month. Has written a book, Straight Up and Dirty, which is being turned into a TV show.
Favourite line: ” I let my dog lick me in private places but this reads way worse than it is.”

Petite Anglaise – doesn’t have a book out yet, but does have a legal case to fight against her former employers. British expat in Paris (which sort of makes us neighbours), raising a three-year old on her own, having succumbed to the French obligation of keeping a lover. A lovely, delicious read.

The Washingtonienne – couldn’t get into this one. A woman called Jessica Cutler who sleeps with people, sometimes for money, sometimes for kicks. Worked at US Congress for a while and has a book out.

Girl With a One Track Mind – called herself Abby Lee until she got outed by the same people who were promoting her book as Zoe Margolis. Used to work in film and tv and catalogues, in detail, what she does with boys. Has a book out under her pseudonym. Reads like a letter to Razzle. Very often very funny.

Lastly, Belle de Jour (sic), who I have been reading for ages, was one of the first to hit the headlines and remains erudite, witty and reassuringly expensive. Her books are selling like five-dollar blow-jobs and are better value for money.

09/10/2006 | Omphaloskepsis | No Comments

Free book!

The Friday Project publishes books. Good books. They’ve included biographies of Timothy Leary, the picture book series “A boy/girl called …” and “Beer in the Evening – the ultimate guide to London pubs.”

They also produce a weekly newsletter, The Friday Thing which gives me all my opinions for the coming seven days. One day they will publish Kim Bah Lee – A Novel.

Now, for possibly the first time ever, they’re releasing a downloadable full-text version of a new book at the same time it’s available at Amazon. It’s by Tom Reynolds, the ambulance-driving author of the excellent blog Random Acts of Reality. And it’s totally free. This is what the internet was made for.

Read it now – Blood, Sweat and Tea by Tom Reynolds

08/25/2006 | Omphaloskepsis | 1 Comment