Victory march

Jazz Travels has been going about three weeks. His prose is not only purple but also, sometimes, Italian. Yet somehow he’s tipped the scales at more than 280 subscribers.

Jazz is a friend. We would often drink beer together. But I can’t have this. I propose a bit of dick-swinging. If you’re not already a Kim Bah Lee subscriber, subscribe now. Please.

When you do, you’ll be part of a community that has recently been driven by Google searches for (in order of appearance):

  • “posh wank”
  • “nursing arse wipers”
  • “bum gun”
  • “dirty stuff”
  • “i what a bah”
  • “email contact of belgium reverend mothers”
  • “let my dog lick”
  • “my dog lick feels good”
  • and “naughty stuff”

Go on, join the club. I’ll have you as a member

10/18/2006 | Omphaloskepsis | No Comments

Malta is still here. So am I.

Brief update on Brand Malta®:

Things generally still looking good. An attempted carjacking on Mrs K in Paceville unsettled us slightly, but turned out to be nothing more than a handful of overexcited Mediterranean men attempting to harass and intimidate a young lady on her own at three o’clock in the morning. Thank God for that.
Tourists: wary.

The Casino di Venezia in Vittoriosa has been reopened with a new manager. It was closed down following the World Cup finals, during which the staff got a little overexcited, smashed more than 350 glasses, and indulged in behaviour described in detail by the Times as “too shameful, disgusting and unacceptable to talk about.” Fourteen members of staff were fired. Now it’s open again tourists are flocking in droves, hoping for a repeat performance.
Tourists: hopeful.

Some dance school performed a dire, end-of-term performance of grimacing and wobbling to the pre-recorded sounds of Bizet’s Carmen. It was packaged as part of the Malta Arts Festival and tickets sold at 20 euros a pop. The parents of the shuffling under-twelves that took part beamed and applauded their offspring, who beamed and waved back. Duped visitors sobbed quietly.
Tourists: disgruntled.

The ever-precise Times tells us that “A good number of people had their sleep cut short early yesterday morning when a mild earthquake shook them awake”. Turns out that the earthquake was nothing more than a murmur. With the exception of “a good number of people”, most visitors remained undisturbed. The Ministry for Urban Development and Roads are thrilled to have another excuse for their sorry work for the next couple of years.
Tourists: asleep, with back-ache.

Gatwick Lost-Luggage was allegedly dealing with in excess of 3000 suitcases, following the alleged hijacking attempt of last alleged week. Joe’s Garage, who has the delivery contract with Malta Airport for returning lost items to tourists, was thrilled. I would like to take this opportunity to personally thank Joe, or Frank, or Charlie, for reacting quickly and efficiently when dealing with our request for preferential treatment when one of our bags got lost. Please forgive us the little white lie about life-saving medicines in the suitcase.
These tourists: very happy.

General outlook therefore: positive. The timeshare touts are steering clear of our mansion on the hill. Our guests are largely happy and causing minimal offence to the locals. Ian McEwan’s Saturday and Graham Greene’s Travels with my Aunt have been my most constant companions. The construction work seems to have stopped for the summer, leaving half-built shells of grubby apartments dotted all over the island, filling various vehicles with dust (sic). The Gozitan Fire-Brigade is a sight to behold and the pea-cakes continue to be filled with peas and priced at roughly 7-10 cents.

Before leaving, I’d like to encourage you to catch up with one of Malta’s most-loved exports, who’s off on a world-trip with no time limit. Jazz Travels‘ writing is still in its infancy, but like my spermatozoa, promises great things …

08/19/2006 | Malta | No Comments

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